The People-Pleasing Trap: Why It's Not Leadership
As a leadership coach, I’ve seen it countless times: A new manager steps into their role with the best intentions. They want to be the manager everyone loves—supportive, helpful, and always there to save the day. But somewhere along the way, their enthusiasm morphs into something less healthy: people-pleasing.
You’ve probably seen this happen—or maybe you’ve been there yourself. It’s that overwhelming need to be liked, where you try to earn approval by saying “yes” to everything, smoothing over every conflict, or bending over backward to make everyone happy. And while it might feel like you’re being a great leader in the moment, the reality is that people-pleasing isn’t leadership.
Let’s break down what it looks like, why it’s a problem, and how you can embrace a healthier, more effective approach.
What People-Pleasing Leadership Looks Like
People-pleasing leaders often:
Say yes to everything to avoid disappointing others.
Avoid tough conversations to keep the peace.
Overcompensate by rescuing their team from mistakes or doing extra work to ensure no one feels overwhelmed.
Seek constant validation, using compliments or favors to win approval.
It often comes from a good place. Many new managers want to prove themselves and create a positive environment. But in trying so hard to be “liked,” they end up sabotaging their own effectiveness as leaders.
The Costs of People-Pleasing
For the leader:
Resentment: Saying “yes” to everything often means saying “no” to your own needs. Over time, this can lead to feelings of frustration or resentment—toward your team, your role, or even yourself.
Burnout: You can’t pour from an empty cup. Constantly putting others first leaves you emotionally, physically, and mentally drained.
Compromised values: Trying to please everyone often means neglecting what’s best for the team or the organization as a whole.
For the team:
Lack of accountability: When leaders swoop in to fix everything, it sends the message that team members don’t need to take responsibility for their own actions.
Unclear direction: People-pleasing leaders often avoid making tough decisions, leaving their teams without clear guidance.
Eroded trust: Ironically, the more you prioritize being liked over being effective, the more your team will question your authenticity and leadership.
A Better Way: Servant Leadership
The good news? You don’t have to choose between being well-liked and being effective. Servant leadership offers a way to strike that balance.
What is servant leadership?
It’s about leading with purpose and empathy—but with clear boundaries. Servant leaders focus on helping their team succeed, not by doing everything for them, but by empowering them to grow and thrive.
Here’s what that looks like in practice:
Focus on the big picture. Instead of trying to make everyone happy, focus on the mission and the team’s long-term success. Sometimes that means making tough calls, and that’s okay.
Set boundaries. Leadership isn’t about being available 24/7 or saying “yes” to every request. Be clear about what you can and can’t do—and stick to it.
Empower your team. Stop rescuing your team from every challenge. Instead, give them the tools, support, and autonomy they need to solve problems on their own.
Communicate openly. It's okay to acknowledge when decisions might be unpopular. Being transparent about your reasoning builds trust, even when the answer is “no.”
Practice self-care. You can’t be an effective leader if you’re running on empty. Prioritize your emotional, physical, and mental well-being so you can show up for your team fully.
From People Pleaser to Respected Leader
Making the shift from people-pleasing to true leadership isn’t easy. It requires self-awareness, intentionality, and a willingness to let go of the need to be everyone’s favorite. But in the end, it’s worth it—not just for you, but for your team.
When you lead with authenticity and purpose, you’ll earn the kind of respect that goes deeper than fleeting approval. And you’ll create an environment where your team can flourish—not because you’ve bent over backward for them, but because you’ve empowered them to rise to the occasion.
So, if you’re caught in the people-pleasing trap, take a step back. Reflect on where you might be overextending yourself and consider what adjustments you can make to lead with more balance. Because being a great leader isn’t about being liked—it’s about making a meaningful, lasting impact.
Rebecca Johnson
Dolce Consulting LLC
Certified Executive Coach
Organization Development Consultant
Mental Fitness Coach
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