Managing Conflict with R.E.S.P.E.C.T

I grew up in the Midwest near the Boundary Waters. Canoeing was second nature to me as a child. As an adult I learned that canoeing is typically a great conflict creator. One person steers the canoe from behind (or tries to); the other paddles from the front until their arm gets tired, then switches. Sometimes you end up going in circles. If you are really ambitious you actually flip the canoe, then struggle your way back into the boat. Arguments ensue, blame happens and what was intended to be a relaxing experience turns into conflict.

I don't get the opportunity to go canoeing as much as I used to, but I have mediated my share of conflict. At the core of moving forward is building trust again, but you cannot gain trust without a key element: respect.

I created the R.E.S.P.E.C.T model for managing conflict:

R Resist the urge to interrupt

E Explain your position / Engage to understand theirs

S Set the ground rules

P Perspective

E Empathy

C Common Ground

T Timeline for agreement

Resist the urge to interrupt

It is tough to stay angry with someone who is hearing you out. The most common issue when mediating conflict is people listening with the intent to reply, not to understand the other person’s perspective. For many, the end game seems to be the intention to be “right” rather than resolve the conflict. A key element to resolving conflict is to not interrupt one another and approach the meeting with the intention of explaining your version of the situation and gaining understanding of the other person’s perspective. Interruptions only add fuel to the fire.

Explain your position / Engage to understand theirs

As a mediator, I set the stage for each person to communicate what they observed, share the story they told themselves and explain how they reacted to that story. We tell ourselves stories all the time and we believe them based on the assumptions we make. Sharing these personal stories help expose the assumptions made, which is a launching point for gaining understanding to why there is conflict in the first place.

Set the ground rules

The first step in a mediation meeting is to set the ground rules. Explain the purpose of the meeting first, then detail the ground rules for how the meeting shall proceed. It helps to add a little levity to the meeting when I explain that I am the all-powerful one in the meeting as their mediator and will enforce the ground rules.

Perspective

Gaining perspective is earned by listening carefully to the story of the other person. I ask each person to communicate in this way:

Explain specifically what they observed (the facts)
Share the story they told themselves about it (the assumptions)
Describe how that story made them feel (the emotions)
Articulate the action they took (the conflict)

Empathy

When you listen to someone’s story as their story, not as a story to set straight, you gain understanding of how things got heated in the first place. Typically, in this stage of the mediation, I observe non-verbal communication which tells me that there is understanding and empathy for how the situation got to the current state.

Common Ground

Once the stories are fully shared, people start sharing their intention. This is where common ground begins to emerge. Many times, both parties have similar intention, but their individual stories (assumptions) get in the way. It is important to state the common ground observed in the meeting so you can move forward to resolution.

Timeline for agreement

The purpose of the meeting is to gain agreement on how to move forward. The way to help make the agreement stick is to set a date for the next meeting to discuss progress. If you do not set a date, the agreement tends to fall apart.